shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
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He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
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finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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