happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
