I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize
