Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
