the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
