Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
