According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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