Grow some girl-balls and come out already
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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