I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
