y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Randomize
