The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
