he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
