I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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