i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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