Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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