So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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