we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
