I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
