I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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