Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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