I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
