Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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