I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
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IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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