there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I wish there were birth control emojis
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
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