I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
