I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
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Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
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I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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