By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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