Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
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