I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
