He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
