I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
