im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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