Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
