I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
