she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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