How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
