mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
