I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
