Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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