She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
