I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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