and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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