My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
