I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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