i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
