yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i've created a new STD.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
