I just pynch a tree in the face
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
