just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
