this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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