If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
