I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
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