Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I think your dad took our porno
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
