Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
