i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
